tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-83510801186680036812024-02-08T02:07:54.478-08:00Theory vs. The Real WorldTinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.comBlogger86125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-29734439747461405072018-09-07T09:07:00.003-07:002018-09-07T09:07:41.867-07:00Hit a snag, but things are better now (Part 3, the single life)For months, I was euphoric just being free of TE. While I still had to deal with him a lot regarding the kids and getting the divorce settled, his problems weren't my responsibility anymore and he couldn't tell me what to do. He would take the kids every Wednesday and every other weekend, and every other Monday night for dinner; I had so much more time! I went out with BB a lot, and started to get work done at a better pace after getting really behind while leaving TE (luckily, with the two grants, I felt pretty secure about tenure and was not overly worried about it--and this year I did get tenure!). Slowly, it became normal life, but still much happier and especially more calm than before (except for the thing with LP that I'll have to write about later).<br />
<br />
After the divorce was final, which took more than a year because TE was dragging his feet, I made a profile on a dating website. I knew that BB would be a good dating option, but I decided that if I started really dating him, it would be serious too quickly. I needed more time and to think through what I wanted. Dating was really scary, but it was fun too ... the first date I went on, I was totally overwhelmed ... I hadn't dated anyone since dating meant going to the Homecoming dance or something! And obviously I hadn't been internet dating. A guy with a really nice profile, DD, messaged me and sounded nice ... I spent most of the first date just trying to make sure he wasn't an axe murderer ... I decided he was safe, and made a second date. Then on the second date I was thinking, wait, what did he say on the first date? He was really sweet. He was very different from me, more creative and artistic, and he grew up in a more poor, rural area. He had nice friends. It was fun to talk, learn about his hobbies, and hear his perspective on things; I think I party understand pro wrestling now :). In the end, I decided I wanted someone more like me; more mathematical/logical in thinking and someone who loves kids. DD almost had me on the latter point, though, because he said that even though he never wanted to be a father (I don't think that's a bad thing in and of itself, but it's a feeling that I don't identify with), he thought he would make a good stepfather. I remember thinking so too; one night he came over and texted at the door instead of knocking, in case the kids were in bed, and I felt he kind of understood better than most single men what children are like. LP liked him. But I also didn't think he'd do better than BB, who is amazing with my kids. We had a pretty good break up, and stayed friends for awhile (hopefully still are, but I'm not sure we'll stay in touch as he said he is moving away).<br />
<br />
I thought about dating one other person from the internet, who I had a huge percent match with, and who's very much like TE (a great engineer, driven to build things) except happier and kinder. But I was thinking that BB would be my choice, and didn't want to lead anyone on. I just became friends with him instead.<br />
<br />
BB was single throughout all of my dating, and it kind of made him nervous. Finally deciding to date him was super fun. It was years that we were flirting then half dating during the divorce (at first not expecting anything to happen, then later thinking it was a possibility but very uncertain in the long term). So finally dating to see where it would go was nice, especially given that I already thought of him as one of my best friends (though it was a bit of a worry that it didn't work out, I could lose a friend, I felt confident that we could handle that eventuality). It went about how I expected, which was awesome. I'm not a loner and love having someone else around.<br />
<br />
Speaking of not being a loner, in the middle of dating BB, I also heard from LP's best friend's mom that she was looking for a place to stay in our school district. She had lived near us before, but moved away, which was hard on LP (still saving that for another post). Having 5 bedrooms and needing help with the kids as a single mom, I asked her if she'd stay with us for awhile. She's been with us for over a year now and it's been really fun. Though there was some adjustment, I think the extra adult in the house and extra perspective with the kids, along with always having another kid to play with, has been great for my kids. It relieves some of the pressure of cooking and groceries and school pick ups for me too ... though we both do some of this for each other, overall it makes less work for each.<br />
<br />
BB integrated into our family life really well. After about a year of dating, he asked me to marry him and I said yes! I didn't want to be the one asking this time, after it didn't work out for me the first time. I don't think he wanted to either, because things also didn't work out so great for him the first time he asked a woman to marry him. But he did it anyway. He got me a purple bike for a engagement present :) The kids are super excited that he's going to be a real part of our family. There's a bit of tension with the fact that he's not their real dad (and he wouldn't want to take that place), but he has been doing great working through those issues with us and I am sure we can handle it. He even went to the parent nights at school while I was traveling.<br />
<br />
Thinking back over the single period, I have been happy but also grieved a lot about my marriage failing. I probably always will have regrets about not thinking through the red flags before marrying TE. I wish it were covered better in pre-Cana; I feel as though my Catholic education failed me in this regard. However, I didn't understand sexism and domestic abuse in the same way I do now. Also, the biggest incident that happened before we were married I thought would never happen again because it was from when we were 17, and he seemed to get it and change after that. He really did change right upon getting married, though the change was slow. I also regret not pushing harder for him to seek help earlier, instead getting into the situation where I couldn't feel safe without leaning too much on BB and my other friends for help. I should have gone to the shelter the first time I thought of it, when he pushed me for trying to protect LP before we moved here. After that I didn't realize how much I treated him differently because I was scared of him, and how much the kids were getting hurt. After that, it was probably even harder for him to change because I was just trying to survive, and protect him from feeling bad, and that made it harder for him to understand how he was treating me. Not that it was my fault. But I've apologized to him for this part, and for not communicating even better about the situation with BB, and I apologized to the kids for not protecting them better. I even went to confession (not being Catholic anymore, I thought it would be silly to seek an annulment, but somehow I wanted to say some of this out loud). I feel pretty settled about my shortcomings in all of this, especially relative to when I first became single.<br />
<br />
Overall, I have tenure and am about to get married, and I have a great housemate and two kids who are doing well. TE is doing relatively well also, in the sense that he's on medicine and seems happier than most of the time we were married. He's dating a really wonderful woman who also has two kids. There is no way I could have predicted any of this (except for tenure) 5 years ago. I'd say things are pretty great over here.Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-5923302968647731922018-09-05T16:25:00.004-07:002018-09-05T16:25:43.567-07:00Hit a snag, but things are better now (Part 2: leaving)I am sorry if this reads like a list. I think it will be good for me to work through again all the things that happened, but it feels like a ton of things happened in a short time; I definitely felt that way at the time also.<br />
<br />
Getting back to the story, I finally got TE to go to counseling and he got on some medicine, and he was treating me better in many ways and treating the kids a lot better. But one of the weird things is that, even though he did some things (like stop screaming at me, mostly) that I was really proud of him for, it was worth a lot less than it would have been if he had independently wanted to make those changes (since I had to basically ask him repeatedly over 5 years). I wasn't sure how to tell if it would last, or how much change would be acceptable. Once he got into individual counseling, I thought it was going to work (though I was expecting it would take a lot of time).<br />
<br />
But there were other new issues. It seemed that he felt that I didn't appreciate his changes or that I should just get over it already (he later put this sentiment into words, complaining that I shouldn't be so worried about his abuse anymore given that "I've only hurt you twice in the last 6 months" ... in this case hurt meant emotionally hurt by doing something really outside of the bounds of normal behavior, but not physically...I remember this well because when I was trying to explain the interaction to my sister, she just interrupted, uninterested in what the ways were or the number of months, and she said quite forcefully "no, we're not counting"...that clicked for me, hey, the number was supposed to be zero, and anyway I get to decide what is and isn't important to me).<br />
<br />
He got more and more concerned about the time I spent with BB, and started to get possessive in a way I hadn't seen before. He said he only went to counseling because he was worried I would leave him for BB, which was sad for me because I'd been asking him to go for years and he was telling me that my asking him to do something without threatening to leave him wasn't enough. I was spending a lot of time with BB, and I talked with TE about it multiple times. I asked him what limits he'd want to set, what he felt comfortable with, talked to him about how I was feeling like I had a crush on BB. The last time I had had such a strong crush (which was about 5 years earlier), TE seemed to think it was cute. I used to update him about the crush, and TE said it would be fine with him if I kissed him. I felt like, with TE and I being together since we were kids, and having kids together, we couldn't really envision being with anyone else in the long term (I know I couldn't). So I thought if I talked about crushes he would get it that it wasn't about not being happy with him but about finding another person really interesting also. This seemed to be the perspective TE took regarding BB as well, initially. But then he seemed to switch, and acted like I was keeping something from him.<br />
<br />
Meeting with my girlfriends once every couple of weeks an hour away wasn't enough, and I definitely leaned on BB a lot, probably even more so as TE became more possessive. The possessiveness was scarier than the other stuff. Before, if he yelled or restrained me it seemed like he had suddenly lost control and then would be better again later, and I had been learning how to deal with that for more than a decade. But the possessive stuff seemed more premeditated and cold, and it seemed like his overall message was that I wasn't allowed to leave him. Previously I always thought this had been a voluntary arrangement. I felt closed in, unfree, watched, trapped. I asked him if I could move to my own room, and he said yes. I remember that first night in my new bedroom--I was so happy! I felt like I had space to breathe; it was my safe space in the house and it helped a ton.<br />
<br />
Still, I didn't feel very comfortable alone in the house with TE and I tried to have BB there for dinner and to help with the kids as many nights as possible. The kids had grown really fond of BB. BB had broken up with his long distance girlfriend, but after setting him up on a blind date that totally did not work at all, eventually I set him up with a friend of a friend (BB is an introvert and still didn't have many friends in town). It was really hard for me to see him less when he got more serious with his new girlfriend, but I was happy for him. He lived really close and I saw him quite a bit anyway, sometimes together with his girlfriend. Me and the kids really liked his new girlfriend, especially my daughter, who saw her as the girl version of BB. But something never quite clicked with him and his new girlfriend, and eventually he told me he had a crush on me. We started flirting a lot more, though at that time I thought I would be able to stay with TE. TE had said he didn't care what I did with BB as long as I didn't kiss him. BB broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks afterwards. A few months later, the grant that BB and I wrote started, and he began as a research scientist on the grant instead of a postdoc. The chair was his supervisor instead of me which made me feel more comfortable being close with him.<br />
<br />
TE's possessiveness escalated. He logged in to my account and read my messages with BB. Of course, he was my husband and I am not a secretive person, so if he had asked I would have shared them--on principle, I would have told him every little thing I ever said to BB--I would have been a bit uncomfortable but also happy that he was interested in my thoughts and feelings. Instead, he secretly read them and then messaged me from my own account about it, apparently to intimidate me (he later claimed he didn't even notice which account he was using). He talked to me like a misbehaving child, and it seemed like he wanted to set all the rules rather than discuss what would make us both feel more comfortable. It was scary for me to watch him switch and start thinking the worst of me and my intentions, and it felt like he was hanging around watching me (I later found out he was secretly taping me).<br />
<br />
If it were just about BB, maybe I could have understood it better (though it's still hard to understand when I would openly do something and talk to TE about it, and then later he would essentially accuse me of having done it in secret). But TE also got possessive with respect to my friends. Reader, my friends who live an hour away predate my whole adventure with TE by many years; we grew up together, and they are more like sisters. When TE asked me to talk less to them and instead talk to my sister and another friend (each of whom he called to talk about his case), that was a huge red flag for me. I am not sure why, but he thought my grade school friends were telling me to get divorced, and they were a bad influence. Actually, they were very supportive of me as a person, and wanted to make sure I was safe and happy, and didn't push me towards a particular decision. They knew it was my decision. The contrast with how they talked to me versus how TE talked to me was so stark, it helped me see how much TE treated me like a lesser person, or a child. TE even messaged my friend when I was out with her, apparently to check up on me, and said he wanted to call her father ... we didn't give him the number. I remain confused about how calling her father would have helped, but it sounded like he wanted to tell on us for discussing getting divorced? TE started tracking my movements on my phone and I felt even more trapped.<br />
<br />
TE and I tried marriage counseling in the middle of all of this, but he used it as a way to make things worse. I think we got a bad counselor; she sort of followed up regarding the abuse I talked about, but I don't think I called it that, and I said he wasn't yelling at us anymore. I said I thought the kids were safe now (I thought that and also didn't want her to call anyone about the kids). The rest of the counseling didn't really take into account the history very well. TE said I wasn't being compassionate towards him (it seems like he wanted some huge praise for not yelling at me very often, while I was just busy trying to catch my breath and think about whether I wanted to stay with him and under what conditions). So we had to take that at face value in the session rather than reflecting on why, during a time when I specifically asked him for more space (explaining the reasons and getting him to agree to a plan), I might not be as physically warm with him. Later, my grade school friends reminded me how compassionate I am, and said it was compassionate that I was working to get TE the help he needed. One friend from out of town said that TE was using my best features against me (I tend to be optimistic about people and their intentions, and try hard to help everyone, and that was part of why I had always made excuses for TE and thought the best of him rather than acknowledging that what he was doing was unacceptable). I also got a counselor and I the kids each got one too. I'll have to write a whole post on the damage to the kids, which was especially severe for LP, someday.<br />
<br />
Even with this possessiveness issue, it seemed like TE was really changing. For awhile I thought he may have stopped yelling at me and the kids for good. But I had lingering doubts, and somehow things felt off. In years past, I usually felt sorry for TE (in a certain way) when he got so angry and yelled at us; it didn't seem like something a reasonable person would want to do, and inside he was clearly hurting. Inside, he seemed like the one who was hurting more...even though the yelling and other things obviously hurt me quite a bit, I felt like I could handle it and bounce back. But he didn't seem to be handling everything very well, and I just wanted him to feel better. I thought some of it was coming from his stress at work, and I said he could quit and find something he loved to do like building things, even if he didn't earn income for awhile. I felt like I was the more resilient, happier one, and I had a responsibility to help him more because he struggled more. I felt like he generally appreciated my help, and, most importantly, he loved me and seemed to treat me better than he treated himself in his internal dialogue. However, I saw a big change after TE got into counseling. Besides not yelling at me, he was feeling better about himself. He seemed to think very highly of himself and was proud of trying his best, even if that just meant not screaming at the kids. He didn't seem to feel much better about me, though, only more suspicious. So while he was treating me ostensibly better by not yelling, he was now treating me worse than he was treating himself. It seemed like he didn't love me or appreciate me as much anymore.<br />
<br />
There were some important exceptions to him treating me better, and each time it was worse because now it was in the context of him deliberately trying to do better, and saying that he would. People talk about the cycle of how they do something hurtful, apologize, then are nice to you, then hurt you again...I never felt like we were in that cycle until after TE got into counseling. Before, he usually wouldn't really apologize, or have a period of being nice; I would just kind of give up on getting him to understand and I'd move on. I felt like we could only handle this cycle a couple more times before we broke. I asked for a full rest from the marriage, a separation. We took our last marriage counseling appointment to discuss what it would look like I said I wanted space to think through what I wanted and who I am and I wanted to be free of marriage obligations, as though we weren't married. I said I would keep in mind that we were trying to make it work again after the separation so I wouldn't, for instance, sleep with BB. But I wanted to date and really understand what it would mean to be away from TE. TE, making everything tit-for-tat instead of realizing he had different issues that he needed to work on, clarified that he would be able to date also. That was fine with me. We were living in the same house but had separate days where we were taking care of the kids, and we could leave or keep to ourselves in our rooms on the other days. TE moved to the basement to be further from my room. We told the kids we weren't sure if we would get divorced, we were just separated for now.<br />
<br />
I'll have to make a whole post about dating in my mid-30s after not having dated anyone other than TE since I was 16 :) But while separated, I dated a friend SS for awhile; he was moving out of town, and knew about my situation, so it kind of worked out nicely in terms of what we needed. I also flirted more with BB sometimes, and I even kissed him once while separated :)<br />
<br />
It was really important to me that I didn't rely on TE; I wanted to be separated and know what it was like. So I never asked him to watch the kids for me on my days. Also, he wouldn't get up in the middle of the night when they woke up and needed something, no matter whose day it was (I had always done that). One day, I was going to a party to flirt with SS (we weren't really on a date); I put the kids to bed and asked BB to watch them in case they got up. Because my room was my safe space, which I had repeatedly talked with TE about not going into, even just to get something, and TE didn't like BB at this point, BB and I decided he would wait in my room with the door closed, and avoid TE entirely. He would be able to hear if the kids woke up and called for me, and that is where they would go if they were looking for me. But TE "forgot" again about my room being my safe space, and went in, supposedly to get laundry. When he saw BB, he lost it. I don't understand why BB being in my room meant to TE that I was involved with BB, or leaving TE for BB, since I wasn't even there at the time. TE, who is very muscular and good at martial arts, though he is a bit shorter than BB, was very intimidating, and stood in front of the door. Apparently he was ranting about me and BB ... BB messaged me to come home. When I got there, TE was still ranting. I was able to get him to calm down enough to go downstairs and talk to me. When I finally finished talking with him, I went to check on BB. I could tell he was really spooked; I called my dad for advice and decided I couldn't live in the same house as TE anymore; BB probably should have called the police when he felt threatened, but it's hard to know how that would have turned out; he told me he slept in his living room for a couple of days after that (which has two entrances so doesn't feel as enclosed).<br />
<br />
I told TE the next day he needed to move out for the rest of the separation. He could still stay in the house when he had the kids, but when it was my day I needed to be in the house alone (because I couldn't leave otherwise during my day without taking the kids with me). He apologized a lot and asked to stay. It was clear he recognized he messed up and it was fair for him to go, because we had pretty clear boundaries we had set when we agreed to the separation in the house (which was not what I wanted anyway, but he had wanted to save money). It was clear that he was going to keep begging and panicking and it wasn't going to be a productive conversation, so I said I'd think about it to calm him down. Over the next day, I just became more sure that he needed to go. I made a plan to leave safely, to wait for my day with the kids and take the kids with me to a colleague's house overnight and email him about my final decision on him moving out. I knew he might get more upset when he thought I was really leaving. I called the national domestic violence hotline and talked through my safety plan. I packed what I needed and the kids needed for the night, emailed him, and took them to my colleagues. I said that I needed him to be not in the house by 4 PM the next day. I was determined to feel safe in my own fucking home. I thought he'd just go stay with his parents or friends or get a hotel room for the night, since he had seemed to recognize the fact that he may need to move out just three days earlier, and I was supposed to be think it over and get back to him. But he didn't go, and we had to stay another night at my colleagues. I hadn't packed for 2 nights. I taught 2 classes without going home for new teaching clothes (but I keep extras in my office). It was hard to explain to my kids why we were staying there (the first night, it was like a fun visit, but the second night, they were confused ... I said that my colleague was having a baby soon, and he wanted to know what living with kids was like).<br />
<br />
Even when I asked him to move out, I still thought TE would keep working with his therapist and get better and we'd be able to stay together after the separation. But when I found myself lying to my children about why we were staying away from the house, when TE was deliberately refusing to let us come home (because he knew I wouldn't go home with him there and he was able to recognize it was fair for me to ask that), that's when I wanted to get divorced. And even though I waited to say it out loud to him until after the separation, and at times I thought I might be willing to give him another chance, I never really changed my mind. And TE later made it very clear it was the right choice (one more story to save for another day).<br />
<br />
<br />Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-39658615758167810542018-08-30T20:27:00.002-07:002018-09-05T09:20:16.173-07:00Hit a snag, but things are better now (Part 1: living with an abuser)I'm still around! I've been meaning to sort through some things and post for several years now, but it's hard because I accumulated a lot to say and much of it is hard. Things went great at work after my former post, and I had out 10-ish papers from here by the time I went up for tenure (-ish because which ones count and exactly what time "going up for tenure" is are both a bit of a grey area).<br />
<br />
At home things totally fell apart, more than I would have thought was possible, and had to be put back together. I think it was not a coincidence that things started to get hard soon after my last post, because I finally felt really secure (both in terms of my work and in terms of personal self-worth) with two grants under my belt, and that gave me the courage and the time to deal with my (now ex-) husband's behavior. Before then, I just kept my head up, being optimistic about him (as I tend to be about everything, though I've lost some of that now) and focusing on how I could change to make things better. But things kept getting worse and I finally realized it was unsustainable and unhealthy.<br />
<br />
To explain part of what was going on at the time, here are some excerpts from a letter I wrote to him in 2015 (keep in mind that below, while trying to be realistic and clear and specific, I am putting some of these examples in the best possible light because I was trying to help him change his behavior rather than make him feel bad, and because I loved him):<br />
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"I have been asking you to seek counseling for several years
and first asked you to not yell at me anymore at least 15 years ago. The first
few years we were married, I used to cry relatively frequently, occasionally
for hours at a time, when you were inconsiderate or disrespectful to me and
failed to apologize or acknowledge the problem. I tried to tell you and show
you how much it hurt me ... I’ve
explained how your words or actions were disrespectful and you’ve repeatedly
turned the conversation back to the original issue that the discussion or minor
disagreement was about, asking me why that issue is so important to me and why
I won’t just drop it and move on. I’ve explained that the original issue was
not the real issue and I have dropped it and moved on, but that your treatment
of me was the problem that needed to be addressed. You seemed to hear and
listen to that argument sometimes, but then a few minutes later you sometimes
would bring up the original issue again; it is not clear to me if you had
forgotten the idea I’d brought up about your behavior/words or if you simply didn’t
believe me that that was the issue. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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It has been very hard for me to keep having this same series
of events occur, and I have been unsure about what to do to get you to listen
and understand. I began to feel exhausted and frustrated each time this
conversation occurred, and after the kids came, I felt I didn’t have the energy
for it much anymore and tried to not let your behavior affect me so much
emotionally. In other words, I have tried to “not be so sensitive”, both
because I was exhausted and because you keep trying to convince me that I am
“oversensitive” and I had begun to believe you. Mostly, though, the reason that
I reduced my efforts to talk to you about your problematic behavior was to
protect my mental health. Your repeated disrespectful, critical, and
disparaging comments had gotten to me and I began to think that it was partly
my fault. I felt that there were two sides to every argument and that I must be
doing something wrong that was contributing to our problems, and I was always
looking for ways to improve myself and thinking of ways in which your behavior
wasn’t really your fault. I worked hard to feel sorry for you instead of angry
at your actions, since I thought that your behavior against us was really a
sign that you weren’t comfortable with yourself and that must be very hard for
you. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I worked hard to try to work around your problems, such as making
sure you were always well fed, since you being hungry seems to make it more likely
that you will yell at us. These last few years, I didn’t cry much anymore and
didn’t bring up most instances of your poor behavior since that often seemed to
lead to you repeating your disrespectful comments or explaining why you thought
it was my fault. Even worse, sometimes when I confronted you, you would admit
that your behavior was inappropriate, and then you would say that you were a
bad person; this would prompt me to tell you how good you are and how much I
love you but still leave you in a worse mood than before and more likely to
yell at us or otherwise disrespect us again in the near future. I developed
many strategies, like trying to get you to eat a snack and taking over with the
kids without hesitation whenever I felt you might be starting to become
frustrated and at risk of snapping and yelling at us. I realized recently that
these efforts were taking up a lot of my time and energy and you weren’t even
noticing anymore. I still want to improve myself and I am sure there are many
aspects of this situation that I could and should have handled in a different
and better way. I am sorry that I didn’t know how to do that or I wasn’t strong
enough to do that. I now realize that accommodating your needs at the expense
of everyone else’s, making excuses for you, blaming myself or the kids for your
actions, and generally enabling you to emotionally abuse us may help us all on
a very temporary basis and may help mostly prevent physical abuse in the
moment, but that this strategy is not a long term solution and in fact makes it
worse in the long term. I am sorry for my enabling behavior and I promise to
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">...</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">. I think we can get past this, but we need you to understand.
Thus, I want to share stories/examples of your behavior and how it affected us. ...</span></div>
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<!--StartFragment--><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I want to first note that sometimes you do seem
to listen, care, and do wonderful things for me, and I do appreciate that. ... However, you need to examine your attitude ... You seem to think of me as not being a regular,
reasonable person with my own independent and valid thoughts. Instead, you seem
to think that I’m trying to “maneuver” and “blame you” and that we are “playing
chicken” (since you didn’t answer me when I asked, I’m still not sure what you
meant by the latter comment but it fits in with my understanding that you don’t
see us as equal partners working together). You have said you are doing things
(like chores or helping with a child) so that I won’t be mad at you or so that
I won’t “hold it against you” that you didn’t do it. ... You
have told me that you are “done with the kids… generally” now, asked “why did
we have kids?”, and said that you don’t understand other parents who said they cherish
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-- When [LP] was either 2 or recently 3, he did something that caused some minor problem,
maybe he flushed something down the toilet, I am not sure but I remember
thinking that even at that age he should have known better based on what we had
been trying to teach him (though I was not really angry with him). You got very
upset and started yelling at [LP]. I remember he was sitting on the mattress
and you were also crouched down on your knees on the mattress berating him in a
loud, very scary voice. You were very close to his face and you seemed very
physically intimidating to me (I imagine even more so to him). I tried to talk
to you but you weren’t listening and I feared that it was harmful to [LP]’s
mental state to have memories like that. I tried to pull you away physically
but you pushed me hard. Even though I started the physical interaction, that was
scary to me. I thought that you would snap out of it if I just made you turn
away but you didn’t. That was when I started to wonder what I would do if I had
to live apart from you to keep us all safe. [Ed. note: I learned this in Catholic school, that you don't have to get divorced, you can just live apart if it's unsafe. While technically true and somewhat comforting at the time, I wish I had learned something more specific about how to deal with domestic violence rather than focusing on whether or not to get divorced.] I remember thinking of safe houses
and I thought that was ridiculous, but I figured if I had to I would go to a
hotel. However, an incident of that caliber never happened again (or at least
not for a very long time) so I convinced myself it was an isolated incident. ...<o:p></o:p></div>
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Before this year, even though you had pushed me and
restrained me and driven recklessly (you would characterize it as simply fast,
but I indicated I viewed it as reckless and scary) with me and the kids in the
car, which are all essentially acts of violence, I believed you would never
actually hurt any one of us physically. I had felt there was a clear line that
you had never crossed. (I didn’t see that the pushing and restraining and
reckless driving were already across the relevant line.) That all changed
several months ago, when you got very frustrated and angry at [ELP] for
misbehaving. You yelled at her in front of me and [LP] in a very scary,
threatening voice, making your face red and appearing to be out of control, and
threw a couch cushion at [ELP] while she was sitting quietly on the couch
waiting in fear for you to stop yelling. I watched that couch cushion squarely
hit [ELP] and I felt helpless and scared and confused about what to do. I
think I hugged her afterwards and tried to make sure she was okay but I was
just hoping that the situation would go away and she would forget because she
is young. ... That also made me notice or be more aware of other
violent acts of yours both previously and recently, and I want you to be aware
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-- Sometime
last year, the kids were arguing upstairs and I thought it was well past the
point where an adult was needed to intervene, but you did not. To prevent me
from going upstairs, you wrapped your arms around me and held me in place. I
said [Ed. note: shouted] “let me go, let me go” but you didn’t. After I struggled for awhile [Ed. note: trying to decide how I could kick him to make him let go, I thought I was really trapped and I began to panic] you
began to take me slightly more seriously and let me go.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--StartFragment--><span style="font-size: 12pt;">-- Sometimes you “hug” me when I do not want you
to. The pattern typically starts when I first either say that I am upset about
something you did, or I ask you in an exasperated voice to help with the kids
or other tasks; therefore, you feel I am upset and in need of a hug. You keep
hugging me even though I tense up and make it clear through both words and body
language that I don’t want you to hug me and it is not helping me feel better."</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .25in; text-indent: -.25in;">
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Reader, keep in mind that I had loved this man since we were 16, and I was raised Catholic, and I am not a quitter. I thought that if he would only get some help, we would be able to turn it around. I started talking to my friends about all of this, and it took a lot of talking. One of my gradeschool friend's mother died, and her and I and another grade school friend started going out together more (though they live more than an hour away). They, and later my sister, helped me realize how serious it was. <span style="font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">Meanwhile, my postdoc was in a long-distance relationship and never made many friends in the area, so he was free a lot, and I talked with him a lot. He became my best friend in town. For a long time he tried to only be supportive of the marriage, and not say much negative, though he did mention he didn't like it when he saw me being restrained one day. One day I told him that about a particular incident and how I had to make myself quiet and small to reduce the chance of getting yelled at or worse, and I asked him to help me. He spoke up more after that, though still supported me staying married, until I decided otherwise. They'll be more about that in the next post.</span></div>
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I am writing this post using mostly my old words because I want to remember how it was. It was so hard and confusing. When I would ask people for advice I would often get advised to do exactly what I was doing (thinking of what his feelings were, helping him more, not "overreacting"), which was what was making the problem worse. Before I wrote the above letter, I felt like an idiot, looking up what counts as domestic violence, emotional abuse, and physical abuse on the internet. I think that if he had suddenly done some of these things out of nowhere, it would have been clear that it was abuse. But it got worse so slowly, and there was so much context of what had happened before and so much baggage about what it meant if he was an abuser. I always thought that I should be strong because he was the one hurting the most (who would want to be an abuser on purpose, after all, that's worse than being abused). But eventually I realized how much he was hurting the kids (LP referred to the version of daddy that tended to go to the zoo with us as the "yelling daddy"--I had no idea LP knew the pattern that well, because I thought I was protecting him). That's when I realized I wasn't even helping him by trying to make things easier for him, because he needed to learn to do better, I was able to write the above letter. More on the results next time.</div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-42182554351747072752015-01-25T17:23:00.001-08:002015-01-25T18:43:15.576-08:00Gluten-free baklavaIt looks like I finally got two grants (one by myself, one shared with a collaborator)! I think I'll get a third by April, but it's less certain. The main one was pretty important, and on the main thing I want to do, so it's already enough grants for tenure (especially as I already have a student funded by industry, even if the money doesn't pass through my group that looks good too). I just need to get another ~8 papers out. I made a list yesterday with my awesome postdoc and it looks good to get 10 more submitted in another 1.5 years. He's doing 4 of them and in the middle of 4 others, I hope that doesn't look bad.<br />
<br />
So, I took the time to do something I've wanted to do for awhile: make baklava! We used to make baklava every thanksgiving for maybe 5 years or so, before I had to go gluten-free, but it seems really difficult to do gluten-free phyllo dough because I think the gluten itself is helping hold the dough together as it gets to be so thin. But I figured, I'm a soft matter physicist; I may be a theorist, but I'm good with my hands, and I should be able to figure something out. I tried making really thin dough once but it didn't work out well (maybe it could have, but I didn't pursue it further; it could be a post for another day, but isn't really worth it). The key to success was that awhile back I realized, <u>I don't actually need phyllo, I just need really thin layers of dough with butter in between them</u>. This is what puff pastry is. So, I found a friend to help and we set about our plan. I only tried it once (well, I made one batch of puff pastry but played with it in a few different ways) so I'm sure there's more perfecting to be done, but if I don't write it up now I'll probably lose interest, so here we go:<br />
<br />
Gluten Free Baklava:<br />
<br />
First make puff pastry. For various reasons (though not really complete scientific testing by myself) I believe that at this level, how the flour is ground up is important. So I used a mix designed specifically for pastry from Bob's Red Mill, and I used their recipe for puff pastry. It is found here <a href="http://blog.bobsredmill.com/gluten-free/step-by-step-gluten-free-puff-pastry/">http://blog.bobsredmill.com/gluten-free/step-by-step-gluten-free-puff-pastry/</a> . It's involved but it worked really well for me, and I'm not a master chef or anything. (A few years ago, I used cup4cup flour and a different puff pastry recipe I found online, and it did not work quite as well, but it could have been my fault.)<br />
<br />
My goal was to make the puff pastry puff as much as possible to seem like real layers, so I decided to cook it as thin layers (so the nut layer wouldn't weigh it down during puffing) and then assemble it later. This required a paste-like nut layer to hold it together (as though it was baked together) because once baked, the puff pastry was brittle and wouldn't conform well to loose nuts. Another advantage of cooking the layers separately was that I could cook them to a toasty brown color (almost seemed like over-cooking them) to give that toasty flavor that is typical of baklava (toasty-ness is inherently easier to get for phyllo than for puff pastry, I think, because it is easier for the water to escape from the layers of phyllo).<br />
<br />
My baklava recipe (in terms of the syrup and proportion of nuts/spices) is loosely based on the recipe on the back of the box of a brand of phyllo we used to get but that they don't make anymore. My tests were based on using 2 loaf pans to cook the puff pastry so that I could have a few different tries at this with one recipe of puff pastry. I'm not sure exactly what fraction of the puff pastry recipe I used for the following amount of syrup, but I think it was about a quarter to a third (so multiply by 4 or so to use all the recipe of puff pastry).<br />
<br />
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Roll out the puff pastry to somewhat less than 1/4 inch (maybe 3/16ths) and cut to the size of the loaf pan. Place in the loaf pan and score into triangles; I scored each loaf pan piece crosswise into three rectangles each scored diagonally into two triangles. I did not score as deeply as I would for phyllo, just made marks so it would be easier to cut along those lines later. Cook for 25-30 minutes, but start checking at 20 minutes; the time depends a lot on exactly how thin your dough is and probably somewhat on what type of pan you use. You want it to be as golden brown as possible without being burnt.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile for the syrup boil 3 T honey, 1/4 c water, 1 t lemon juice, and 1/2 c sugar in a medium sized pot. (If using 4 recipes of syrup you will need a big pot, it's easy to accidentally boil over.) Toast 1 c pecans in a dry pan (for regular baklava I didn't do this, but they were cooked with the phyllo; since we won't be doing that, this is a good alternative). Take half of the pecans, add 1/2 t cinnamon and a pinch of cloves and crush into small pieces (I use a plastic bag and hit them with the back of a cup measure). Add the other half of the pecans and half of the syrup to a blender (I used a Vitamix, so in general a food processor may be more appropriate than a blender) and blend to make the paste. Add the rest of the nuts (reserving a bit for pretty topping at the end, if desired) to the paste to make a chunky paste.<br />
<br />
Once the puff pastry is mostly cooled, break or cut into rectangles. Dip a rectangle into the honey syrup (getting both sides), place it on a plate and spread a layer of chunky nut paste on top; add another dipped rectangle and nut paste, and complete with another dipped rectangle, being sure to stack so the score marks line up. Cut into two triangles along the score marks, and finally dip the cut edges in honey syrup or pour extra honey syrup on top. You can probably cut again into small triangles, these are big, tall baklava!<br />
<br />
-TTTinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-15026892962948384422013-05-22T17:27:00.000-07:002013-05-22T17:27:00.257-07:00Grants!15 page grant number 2 submitted today!!<br /><br />
Short grant number 1 rejected yesterday. But it's not what I really wanted to do right now anyway.<br />
<br />
The first 15 page grant I wrote is still out; that's the one I really want.<br />
<br />
I also am waiting to hear on a small internal grant I wrote (short grant number 2) that I haven't heard back about. I was co-PI on a preproposal that didn't go through related to that also. And I need to submit something in the fall related to this.<br />
<br />
Also soon I'll be in for a small percent on another 15 page proposal, (I suppose that already went through internal competition, but that doesn't really count). In the fall, I need to write one for myself to go with that also.<br />
<br />
Someone wrote my name on a little internal thing also (at their location, not mine), but without talking to me first, so I don't think that really counts in terms of grant writing. That was slightly related to something else I need to write; the call is not out but I think it will be due only a couple of months after the call comes (which will be soon).<br />
<br />
Over the year I met with industry people three different times about different things; one is part of a larger project that I don't know about yet, the other two didn't go anywhere (though one of those might go somewhere eventually). I also have another industry thing I need to discuss with people next week.<br />
<br />
Also coming up in the fall, I may write something that's related to some of the possible industry things.<br />
<br />
Totals:<br />
External proposals as PI: 3 total, 1 rejected, 2 still out.<br />
Internal proposals as PI: 1, still out.<br />
Preproposals: co-PI on 1, did not go forward.<br />
Internal competitions to write proposals: co-PI on 1, went forward, due soon; sort of PI on 1, in that I got past this hurdle automatically and without submitting anything because it was past the deadline and nobody else did it.<br />
Meetings to discuss industry funding or the potential writing of proposals: a whole lot.<br />
Shaking hands with people whether or not they are directly related to potential funding: really a whole lot; some weeks, this takes most of my time (where shaking hands is defined broadly).<br />
<br />
Drafts to be submitted: co-PI on 1.<br />
Proposals I need to write by myself soon: 1.<br />
Proposals that I am thinking about writing for the fall: 3 (all regarding specific collaborators, on 1 I would be PI on the others I might be).<br />
Unfunded proposals that I could potentially resubmit in the future with some changes: 1.<br />
<br />
I thought this (meaning, spending so much time grant writing) would be more frustrating, but actually writing the proposal does make me think through the plan and it does seem like I'm "doing science" while I write these. Actually, this feeling was only salient for the ones I wrote with my postdoc because of the good discussions, atmosphere of collaboration, and resulting thought about science; the others were soul-sucking to some extent as I expected. Even so, sometimes it feels like I'm not getting science done. At least my group is starting to do that for me.<br />
<br />
I do have two non-proposal things I'm really itching to do. One is to think about some theoretical stuff I want to do that's related to my own postdoc advisor and my current postdoc and also to my prior work (slightly) and that will place me in a good spot to do what I really want to do next (the first 15 page proposal). The second is the hobby scale thing--that hasn't gotten enough of my time and I really want to do it!<br />
<br />
Also I should probably spend some time with the kids or something, but they are getting really good at playing productively by themselves. Maybe I should just keep leaving them alone more (meaning the same amount as I have been while proposal writing) and that will be good for both sides.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-83080361493389327792013-05-09T19:24:00.002-07:002013-05-09T19:30:38.960-07:00AwesomenessI finished my first year! Teaching was fun, and advising people is even better. I don't have as much time as I want to think through things in detail, but at least there's lots of help from others in my group. The kids are getting less needy at home, so there's a bit of downtime at home to think through things (though I usually don't have the time to really sit down and do hours of work while at home). I have 3 proposals in review right now, and because they are mostly for new people, the competition should not be as bad as for other proposals. Hopefully I'll get one of them. Now I'm writing one of the two I plan to submit in summer, and I'm planning to submit at least two in fall. I'm just starting to feel more comfortable about writing these so hopefully the next ones will be easier to write and be more compelling.<br />
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<div>
A tough problem for me recently (grant writing is the most important thing for me to do right now, and is something I need to do faster and better, but I think of this as my job, not a problem per se) is how good my postdoc is. I hired this person because of their technical skills that really nicely complement mine, and I already thought it was great that I could get someone so good to work for me (being new). I was pleasantly surprised that the postdoc is very independent and insightful even in learning new methods, and is a great resource for me to bounce ideas off of (if only I had more time to really discuss more ideas...). But it's also become apparent that there is no major deficiency in the postdoc's technical or communication skills that I need to help with. Sounds great, right? It definitely is, really, in every way. The problem is that I feel bad to have this person who should have been able to get a much nicer position with a more established person, and for my part as mentor I can't even help fill a major (technical/communication) gap in their skills. I mean, the postdoc is learning new methods and skills, and they are getting my general advising, but all of those things may have been better in a more established group. At least I can help with career planning and related advice. I feel I've been helpful in that area, maybe especially so because I have just been through the same career stage. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
My father had an interesting comment about this; he said maybe I'll do so well in the future that it'll be the case that actually it was a good career move for this postdoc to come work for me now. I suppose in any case it's the career move that was actually made, and now my job is to help us both profit from it. I think I can do this, maybe even make it worth the postdoc's while to come work with me versus someone famous. My current strategy is to be awesome myself, using the postdoc in whatever ways I can that are also helpful to the postdoc (such as for grant writing), and to give the postdoc lots of choices so that they can best move forward with their career.</div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
In kid news, ELP learned to write her name (she wanted to be just like LP), and I think she now knows how to write every letter in the alphabet (in capital letters). LP is learning to communicate and plan better with her without getting too frustrated, so they can do interesting activities (usually made up by themselves) on their own for long times.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
In more detailed news, today was awesome. I got a shout-out at a talk by a senior professor (he told someone who had asked a general question that I would know about [my field], and advised them to talk to me). Also, my chair was happy with me, just for a minor thing I did, but it's always good to make the chair happy. Separately, I fixed a minor problem related to my group with just a few minutes of effort--delegating is fun, and I think the group likes helping me to fix problems! But even though it's fun, it's still strange to be in charge of all these really interesting people.</div>
Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-16420196468062433492012-09-02T07:35:00.002-07:002012-09-02T07:35:37.931-07:00It's good to be home, and teaching!I'm here! We moved about a month ago, and the kids started daycare/school, and I started teaching. It really feels like home here. Since I'm from these parts, the small critters and plants that live here look normal, the crickets at night and the birds chirping in the morning sound normal, the weather is normal, the smells in the air are normal, the tap water tastes normal, and the people act normal most of the time. Where we were, everything was different--sometimes for the better, but it just didn't feel like home. It probably didn't help that I knew I wasn't likely to stay for too long. Now I hope I'll be able to stay exactly here, in this house, in this department, until I retire or become emeritus. <br />
<br />
The kids don't really remember where they were born, so from there perspective the weather is not normal here and they have noticed that. But it doesn't seem to bother them, and they are making new friends in their classrooms and on our street. We didn't know any kids near where we were living before, but now there are tons of them, and frequently they are out playing or biking on the sidewalks.<br />
<br />
I have a large class of seniors in a class that's relatively unrelated to the other classes in our discipline. That makes me feel better about my teaching because at least I don't have to prepare them for the next class in a sequence. I'm a bit unsure of what I'm doing, but it seems to be going well so far. Also, I hired someone already and have some collaborations getting started! I am not sure how to decide what the people in my group will be doing, or how I'll get time to figure that out while I'm teaching, but anyway being a professor is amazing! It's going to be even better in a few years when I have at least some vague idea of how to do all the things I'm supposed to be doing :)Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-84841717519392960112012-04-09T18:22:00.006-07:002012-04-14T16:08:05.066-07:00Scientific advice from GrandpaI had the occasion to ask several people for advice last week, and it made me think about how much insight and depth of understanding people gain over time (assuming they are thoughtful/intelligent people). <div><br /></div><div>First I got some science advice from my Grandpa; I was up very late thinking about some equations that have been bothering me recently. (Long story short; I think some people in the literature have been calculating something in a less than optimal way and then explaining themselves incorrectly--but the heart of the issue is not really in my field so I've been reading a lot and wondering if I'm just crazy.) So I wrote an email to Grandpa in the middle of the night explaining my troubles (not the equations themselves, but the big picture and the fact that I'm not sure if I should be working on something outside of my field). He was a scientist in a related field to mine, but in industry. It was really helpful to read his reply. First he made an insightful comment about the system I am working on, then he talked a bit about how it's good for you to think about things outside of your field, but you also have a greater chance of making progress in your own field. </div><div><br /></div><div>Later in the week, I got advice about an (unrelated) engineering issue that came up with a project that TE and I are working on recently. I asked two people, both scientists/engineers in the same field (not my field). One of them is at my career stage and the other is late-midcareer. The question was really too general for a research scientist, and the first one sort of punted (or perhaps didn't want to answer), saying that it would depend on the (unknown) specific parameters, etc. So I wasn't expecting a lot of helpful advice from the more distinguished scientist, but I thought it would be an interesting conversation so I went ahead. She took the lack of specific information as a challenge. She gave me an amazingly specific overview of what the parameters probably are for our situation, then she gave me her best guess on what to do next for the greatest chance of success. She also went into detail about the underlying science without going over my head. From my point of view, it sounded like she knew everything--and was able to extemporaneously go up or down a level of detail in discussion.</div><div><br /></div><div>It must be nice to have a huge pool of background knowledge and experience all accessible off the top of your head. I mean, the younger scientist that I asked probably knew most of the specific things she said, but it wasn't connected together for him, or at least the coherent description of it all wasn't available in his head at a moment's notice. Of course, it's easy for me to understand that more experienced people know more things, especially further from the narrow field they're currently in. But it gets me every time how some of them can just pull on that knowledge so quickly to understand a problem and narrow in on what is important about it. I am looking forward to that time in my career (if I ever get there)!</div>Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-65243075054062651842012-03-31T12:05:00.004-07:002012-03-31T12:50:44.347-07:00Hallelujah<div><span style="font-size: 100%; ">Ever since I got sick last year I've been reading a lot of medical literature. It was not particularly helpful before I was diagnosed because there was so much to go through that I couldn't figure out what I had. But even when it wasn't helpful it was comforting/empowering to do something. As an aside, I think is one of the best arguments for more free public access of the medical literature, which holds even if we can't assume that the general public will understand much of the literature. Since I've been mostly better, a few things just didn't add up (I think the diagnosis I got was the most accurate one, but some side things didn't make sense) and I still perused the literature occasionally. Of course, after diagnosis I could be more targeted and start to understand some things in this smaller section of literature. A couple of months ago, after talking with a family member who has Celiac, I was looking at the literature again and I saw some evidence that, if I had Celiac, would explain several of the loose ends.</span></div><div><div><br /></div><div>So, even though I've been feeling almost completely normal recently, I tried going gluten-free. At the same time I made an appointment with a doctor, but it wasn't for a couple of weeks. After just a few days I started to think I might feel a bit better, and then in a week or so it was clear. I got the doctor to do a blood test, even though I hadn't been eating gluten that week. I knew it would make the test less accurate but I figured if I tested positive it would be a win-win and I wouldn't have to go back on gluten to get tested. But I tested negative, and my new rheumatologist (I had to switch rheumatologists for reasons that are not relevant to the current discussion) doesn't want to do further tests. So I have a double blind test going on right now (a friend made samples of various flours for me and sealed the key to which was which, and my husband has been adding one of them to my food once a week), which is recommended in the literature. It's possible I have a problem with wheat that is not Celiac (there is increasing agreement in the literature that people can have gluten intolerance that is not Celiac, and of course there are wheat allergies), but I'm pretty darn sure there is a problem, and hopefully I can be more sure after this test.</div><div><br /></div><div>But whatever I have, initially I was elated to be feeling so great. Now I am just relieved and extremely grateful. <span>My baseline idea of what being healthy was like was slightly off, meaning that now I feel even better than was typical for the rest of my entire adult life (although back more than 5 or 6 years ago the memory is fuzzier and it's hard to really compare). I can concentrate better too, although that's perhaps simply related to the fact that I'm not hungry all the time. </span><span>It's sort of sad that I didn't figure this out earlier, but mostly I'm just glad I know now. It doesn't seem like a big deal on a day to day basis (I wasn't feeling that bad before), but in the long run I think this might be really life-changing. </span><span>Maybe it's presumptuous of me to think that I understand the underlying meaning of the following lyrics, or that I know how I'll feel in the long term about my newfound good health, but I'm gonna go ahead and say that this represents my feelings including my inner celebration of this change:</span></div><div><span>It's "not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah".</span></div></div>Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-69109805265447749162011-11-16T04:55:00.000-08:002011-11-16T05:01:23.564-08:00Hobbies and the tenure-trackI'm thinking about taking on a big hobby/project that is tenuously related to my research. Of course, I know that I don't have much time for non-research stuff until I have tenure (and probably not even then). So the question is, how close does it have to be to be synergistic with my research? If it's interesting enough to me, should I do it even if it slightly hurts my (other) research? Does the fact that I am losing sleep thinking about it mean that I should take it on, or that I shouldn't?Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-85288233816622399392011-06-18T03:49:00.000-07:002011-06-18T04:17:03.187-07:00I'm not deadFirst of all, the interview went great and I got the job!! I have over a year to start, which is good since there is no way I can finish up what I'm doing here soon--I've been sick since I got back from the interview. I'll be brief since it hurts a bit to type. My throat hurt when I got back from the interview but I thought it was from talking. Then it really hurt. Like 10 times worse than I've ever had strep before. I finally got in to see someone and got some antibiotics. A week after they were done, I had strep throat again. This time I got on broad-spectrum antibiotics and I really wish I hadn't. Then I had ELP and LP tested and apparently they had been carrying strep for a few weeks and it just wasn't bothering them much. So they got treated too. Then the broad-spectrum antibiotics likely helped me get sick with some enteric bacteria--Salmonella, Yersinia, something like that. When I thought that was getting better, we were just getting started. My immune system is pissed off about this whole thing. It's probably extra mad because ever since we moved here the kids have been getting a lot of illnesses from the new daycare and I've been sick relatively often as well. Apparently some pieces or molecules related to the enteric bacteria are still around and my immune system is freaking out. It's called reactive arthritis, but for me my spine is the only joint that's really affected. Otherwise it's tendons or the synovia around tendons or the place where they connect to bone. For about 2 weeks there I was getting a new sudden onset of pain in a totally different place every couple of days, and I couldn't get much medical help outside of urgent cares, who had no idea what it was, and then my abdomen started hurting and I thought I might die. I never thought it was likely, but it really seemed like a possibility. Anyway, this wonderful primary care doctor had an cancellation and I finally got in, and she didn't diagnose me quite right, but she was on the right path and she got me in really fast to a rheumatologist. At that point, I couldn't drive, I had to wear shorts because I couldn't pull my pants up, I couldn't type with my left hand due to a "sausage finger", and I couldn't chew regular food. TE was going insane trying to take care of me and the kids, and he did a great job considering, but the house was (is) overrun by ants. Finally I got some steroids and I am in pain but I can function. The sausage finger helped because several people at work noticed I was in really bad shape and started offering some help. (Why did I keep going to work? I guess it's just better than being home alone.) Hopefully this will all go away in a few months, after monotonically getting better.Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-27335574825179091742011-02-06T06:55:00.000-08:002011-02-06T13:39:06.549-08:00one interviewIt looks like I got one interview, and maybe no others, but I won't need any others if I get the job that I want! I am not really surprised, as the other places I applied to (there were only a few) had more specific needs listed in their job ads and I wasn't able to completely tailor my application to them. I think the interview will be fun, but I am starting to get nervous about it. I have been reading posts from around the web, but most seem to be about biomedical or related fields. In particular I'm not sure what exactly to put into my research plan talk, the answer to which seems to be very field and department-type specific. (This is a great collection of TT job search/interview advice: <a href="http://scientopia.org/blogs/drbecca/tt-job-search-advice-aggregator/">http://scientopia.org/blogs/drbecca/tt-job-search-advice-aggregator/</a>)<div><br /></div><div>Meanwhile, ELP can put a lot of 2 word combinations together, and rarely will tie 3 words together. She has about 35 words total, I think, but she thinks she has much more. She is really into her doll. She likes to put a blanket on it and give it a bottle. It makes me feel bad that LP didn't have many dolls. We got tons of toys as presents so didn't buy him much else, but I wonder if he needed more dolls. Instead of dolls, he treats his dinosaurs, stuffed animals, or cars as babies. Sometimes he is the daddy and sometimes he is the mommy. So I suppose that's good for his imagination. He hasn't done it recently, but he was really interested in learning to wrap them the right way (as though swaddling them, but he didn't have the dexterity to get the blanket/towel tight). He also stopped nursing his 'babies'; I don't know if it's because ELP doesn't nurse much anymore or because he moved to preschool and some of the other kids tell him that there are some things girls do and others that boys do. The kids and I had snow days this week, and I had them alone most of the time because TE couldn't get back from his business trip. We had tons of fun, although it was frustrating given that I need to get a lot of work done before my job talk. </div><div><br /></div><div>Other interesting things since last post: I've had a cough the majority of the time. It was pretty bad for a month and a half, but for the last couple of weeks I only cough after I exercise, and I think it'll be gone completely by my interview. I think I had pertussis, but I was never tested for it since after the first few weeks they can't do a whole lot for it anyway. We had a great Christmas despite my coughing and associated ear infection. We (mainly TE, I've been using weekend naptimes to prepare for my interview) finally finished the new seats on the tandem, and they are really nice and comfortable. He expanded the cargo rack, which is really helpful coming back with ridiculous sized groceries from Costco, and finally I can pedal a bit without coughing so hard that I might fall off. I am going to start riding to work again for the first time in 2 months on Monday--send good thoughts that I don't spend the whole day coughing afterwards! TE is obsessed with bike lights and has started wiring up his own LEDs with 555 timers and such to get them to flash how he likes it, which is neat. I have fun helping him with his wiring diagrams and soldering small pieces, but the level of lighting on his bike is getting silly, and he is brighter than a car now. People have told him to turn his lights down, but other people almost run into him still as though they don't see him.</div>Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-24003278871575563112010-10-30T11:45:00.000-07:002010-10-30T18:48:28.771-07:00everyone's still growing upLP is really a preschooler now and learns more things at school and tells me about it later, sometimes more coherently than others. Last week the teacher wrote a note on his paper that they had cut apples in half to see the star of seeds, then used them as stamps to make art. I had just gotten to his room and read this paper when he saw me, got really excited, and yelled "Mommy, in the core, there's a STAR!". He didn't think to mention apples first, of course . . . so without her little hints, I would've been totally lost, especially since it's anyone's guess whether he says 'core' and 'star' versus 'tore' and 'tar'.<div><br /></div><div>ELP is a toddler and can almost run for real. I think she is helped by the fact that LP holds her hand to walk/run her around, so if she can't keep her feet moving, she gets dragged on the floor (which she thinks is funny anyway). Oddly, ELP seems to be learning individual words and full sentences at the same rate. She says "dog", "woof", "duck", "quack", "mine", "daddy" (which also means mommy), her version of LP's name, "down", "up", "more", "no" (which also sometimes means yes), "uh-oh", "milk", "bottle" (which is a sippy cup), and "ball" regularly, and has said several other specialty words a few times. But she can also say "I wanna push the button", despite probably not knowing what "push" and "button" mean separately, and some other phrases like that. I think she tries to memorize phrases that LP says. Also she seems to be able to put "I want" together with another word generally.</div><div><br /></div><div>TE got a proposal funded and has been doing well at work. He has some responsibility over other people's proposals but doesn't feel prepared for that. I think he is learning fast, though.</div><div><br /></div><div>Meanwhile, I am just finishing up my faculty application package. I think it looks good, but the proof is in the interview getting. Meanwhile I am trying to finish writing up my first postdoc paper, which will be really nice in a pretty high-impact place (if it gets accepted), but it is hard to start from scratch and write about something new, especially because I am trying very hard to keep every sentence as short and informative as possible.</div><div><br /></div><div>Wish me luck!</div>Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-32561926967318295162010-09-12T16:15:00.000-07:002010-09-12T16:24:04.344-07:00HilariosityNow that LP can talk so much, he says ridiculous and hilarious things all the time. One morning I told him "I like you" and he replied, "I just like daddy". Right now I'm trying to explain to him that if he holds someone down and puts stickers on their eyes, those stickers will be hers and he can't have them back. Just one of several reasons not to hold people down and put things on their eyes.<div><br /><div>Meanwhile, ELP thinks his antics are fun. She is walking a lot and likes to say 'ba' a lot, and she says it for balloon, ball, and a few other things that she apparently thinks she is pronouncing in different ways. She got her first tooth finally, but still sucks on her middle two fingers. Something she thinks is funny is to drop food on the floor, and then shake her head 'no', because she knows that's what we're going to do. Of course, now we try not to shake our heads when we say no, but it's hard to remember.</div><div><br /></div></div>Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-22228491098538761442010-07-17T08:22:00.000-07:002010-07-17T08:52:57.600-07:00at least he can change himselfWell, potty training is still not going well, but yesterday I told LP to go change his diaper, and he went to the changing area, took off his shoes, shorts, and pull-up diaper, got a new diaper out, and came to me to help him get his feet through the holes. It was strange. He has new princess pull-ups with Belle on the front, which he is fairly excited about. He is really getting good at talking and climbing and understanding everything. The other day he was slurping loudly from a sippy cup, and TE said "is there a big wall of water coming towards us?" LP looked around for a big wall of water, and I said that daddy was only joking. LP sat for a moment, pointed, and said "there's a big wall of water coming!" Then he chucked, looked at me, and said "I was joking too".<div><br /></div><div>ELP is moving forward too. She just started to act like a real interactive person, and points at stuff asking what it is all the time. She can say "mo" for more and "da" for dog. When she sees a dog she starts giggling and screaming because she really likes them. She is very balanced, and can stand up, squat, and stand up again, clapping and waving her arms, without needing to touch the wall or the floor. But she won't take a step yet! </div><div><br /></div><div>I went to a conference 2 weeks ago, and my mom came to help TE care for the kids. I saved up milk for MONTHS beforehand, giving her 3.5 oz instead of 4 at daycare in the afternoons, giving her milk that had been left out a bit longer than it should have been, and mainly trying to pump a bit extra all the time, which is time consuming and doesn't always work. Then when I was gone, she went on a bottle strike hardly drank any milk, preferring water and juice in a cup! At least she saved me from buying dry ice and overnighting a bunch of milk across the country.</div><div><br /></div><div>The next week we went on vacation and to TE's brother's wedding. It was awesome, but the vacation seemed really short. I want another one--I need to make the motor work on my bike, and finish writing some papers, and I don't have any time during the week, and hardly any on the weekend!</div>Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-32276446441155124532010-04-30T05:02:00.001-07:002010-04-30T05:18:31.765-07:00growing babiesELP learned to crawl this week! Still no teeth, though. She can crawl to toys across the room, and two days ago found a guitar of LP's. It is shiny and red with multiple types of buttons to make noise or play songs--very much the catch for a baby. She started pressing buttons and bopping her head to the music. Little did she know that this noise was destined to attract LP, who suddenly realized he needed to play with the guitar. He started to take it, saying 'can I have that please' but not waiting for any sort of response, and I let him since it is his toy, but I reminded him of the rule: if you take something from ELP, you have to give her something else to play with. So he takes one of the most attractive toys in the house, with music and multiple things to poke at, and gives her a stick from a tinker toy set. Not even multiple connected pieces, just one of the sticks. She just looked at it--I think she knew it was a raw deal.<div><br /></div><div>LP is also moving along--he is trying to learn to use the potty. The last couple of weeks, when I picked him up at daycare most days he told me that he used the potty twice, then the teacher would tell me he actually didn't use the potty. I finally realized, he's not lying to say he's used the potty _today_, but keeping a running lifetime total of how many times he's used the potty, and he just wants to keep reminding me of it! On Wednesday he developed a new potty strategy. Apparently his thinking went like this: people keep telling me not to pee in my diaper, but I don't want/know how to pee in the potty, and besides it interrupts my playtime . . . so I'll not pee at all!! He was very successful with this strategy during the day, but as those of you who are potty trained already know, it was doomed to failure. When he fell asleep he forgot about his plan, and I had to change his diaper 3 times during the night (they don't just hold an infinite amount of liquid!)</div><div><br /></div><div>Here's a quick grouping of things to put together for dinner, though I don't think of it as a recipe as it involves already prepared things. One of my favorite mostly prepared things to buy at the store is spaghetti sauce. I think they do a good job with jarred spaghetti sauce, and I use it as-is on spaghetti sometimes. Anyway, this is a bit like a poor man's ravioli: Make some (half a box for 2 adults is how we measure here) medium size pasta such as shells or rotini, drain, and mix it with a container (the smaller container, 1 cup I think) of ricotta. Put spaghetti sauce on top. It's good!</div>Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-14112309842026005712010-03-27T12:55:00.001-07:002010-03-27T13:26:38.768-07:00usually I don't crack up so much when LP is sadThis one was just too funny; LP was whining and generally being difficult, and then he asked for a cookie. (His way of asking is to say "I want one piece of cookie" because he knows we will say he can only get one cookie or one piece of candy, so he thinks stating this ahead of time will improve his odds.) TE said something like "we can't reward him for this", and I agreed, so I said no. He started crying and whining more. Eventually I tried to explain it this way: "But you're so sad right now--if I give you a cookie you won't really appreciate it anyway". LP's shoulders stopped heaving and he stopped crying. He tried to reduce the whine in his voice and slowly said, with his bottom lip still pouting, "Now I'm happy". I really just had to laugh--it was too much for me!<div><br /></div><div>Here's one of our favorite ridiculously quick meals, which can be made from things which are always in my pantry and do not go bad: veggie chili</div><div>(if you don't like beans, you probably won't be making veggie chili, but I bet it would be good with TVP or tofu or a bunch of chopped bell peppers (which you would add with the onions) but it wouldn't be the same thing at all)</div><div><br /></div><div>Put some oil in the bottom of a medium large pot, put the burner on medium high or so, and add maybe a third of a bag of frozen chopped onions. (if you have time, fresh onions are better) Add a couple of tablespoons of cumin powder, some coriander powder if you like it, and ground black pepper. If you will use unsalted canned goods, you could also add some salt. Once the onions are mostly cooked, add 2 small or 1 large can of diced tomatoes and 1 can of beans--I use black beans, great northern beans (for a double recipe a mix of both is great) or sometimes pinto beans. </div><div><br /></div><div>Side note: I don't buy beans that have added things (except salt, water, and EDTA) such as sugar which kidney beans generally have. Perhaps it keeps them better somehow to add a bit of sugar, but it pisses me off. Also, I get pretty mad at the grocery looking for plain diced tomatoes--I won't detail all the various crap I've seen added to canned diced tomatoes at the grocery, much of which is great stuff, but I need to add it myself or else I'd have 10 different cans of diced tomatoes at home depending on what I was going to use them in, and more importantly I wouldn't be in charge of what gets added. </div><div><br /></div><div>You can drain the beans if you want a slightly thicker chili or if you don't like the bean juice/water. I don't usually bother. Add some oregano--a teaspoon or two. Add a dried powdered garlic--maybe a couple teaspoons. Obviously if you have time, a couple cloves of fresh minced garlic is significantly better and I would add it once the onions have cooked a bit but before adding watery stuff. Finally, add some heat with ground chili powder (not premade "chili powder" to make chili with, which generally has far too much chili and salt in relation to cumin besides not being a real ingredient in my opinion since it's a mix of several ingredients) or you could use hot sauce. Stir that around (don't forget to taste and adjust spices) and wait for it to get really hot. You could keep simmering it for 10 or 20 minutes to distribute the flavors a bit, if you have time.</div><div><br /></div><div>To make it a meal, serve with a ridiculous amount of shredded cheese and/or plain yogurt, which we use in our house instead of sour cream. Sometimes we make it with cornbread as well, but in that case you have to actually cook stuff instead of just putting some stuff in a big pot, so even though cornbread is easy, the preparation time goes way up. </div>Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-27747149398807112252010-02-20T15:19:00.000-08:002010-02-20T15:39:06.101-08:00bike fixed!I'm starting to feel like we live here for real. We're having friends over next weekend (planning to make Cooks Illustrated's Chicago-style pizza recipe for them--we tried it earlier and it is not perfect but pretty good, this time I might leave out the cornmeal). I just got my bike up and running--a few pieces were taken apart for moving. The derailleur is working better than it was before the move, and I didn't even adjust it! So that went well, and now it has tire sealant to hopefully avoid the terrain-specific flats people get here. I didn't have the proper tool to unscrew the valve core, so I used a cuticle scissors--just the right size to get in there, but not quite the right shape of course--luckily they weren't too tight! Later on TE's suggestion I found that a really little screwdriver could fit too, though it couldn't pinch down obviously, it worked a bit better. <div><br /></div><div>I am going to start a series of quick recipes or things I mix together and then eat that aren't really "recipes" per se. My cooking philosophy is to do things really fast, but also to use only things I consider pure/real ingredients, which I define based on essentially no obvious metrics to include things like packaged mayo and mustard but not the canned diced tomatoes with basil or other things in them (the canned tomatoes in the pantry here contain only pure tomatoes and salt--except for the jarred pasta sauce, but using that isn't really cooking). </div><div>So here's the first in the series: </div><div>What to put on breaded fish if you don't have tartar sauce:</div><div>mix some mayo with lemon juice and dried dill (or you could use another dried herb)</div><div>it's good!</div>Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-18325965466891094552010-02-12T07:52:00.001-08:002010-02-12T08:04:28.355-08:00pink eye, ear infection, and strep throatWe seem to all have mostly gotten over a couple of weeks of recurring illness. I for one feel great. I mean, if I felt like this on a normal day, I would say I have a bit of a sore throat. But given the last week, I just feel like getting up and doing jumping jacks. I think I will. <div>My brother in law made me realize that I have an important similarity with hobbits--I need second breakfasts. When he said that, I was thinking, well, I just have snacks sometimes and an early lunch. But yesterday, when I was eating 2 pieces of leftover pizza just after 8 AM after having had breakfast at 5:30 or so, I realized maybe I do eat second breakfast. I mean, 8 AM is a bit early for early lunch after all. It's ELP's fault for taking all my food--although she hasn't been eating as well for a few days given that she's sick. Poor thing--I am really glad she is getting better fast because it was so sad to see her cry--you could just tell something was really wrong because she had that terrified look in her eyes. Given how happy/not freaked out she was compared to other sick babies, though, I think the doctor appeared pretty surprised to see such a raging infection in her ear. Sorry for the stream of consiousness type post again--it's all I have time for--I am picking up my mom at the airport soon!!! We are going to have a great weekend. We told LP last night that Nana was coming in today, and then I asked him who might he see today, and he said "NANA!!". So he will be excited when we go get him at daycare. I could've kept him home all day, but it was pajama day, so I didn't want him to miss that. Off to do some jumping jacks and then to the airport . . .</div>Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-79299672260358866252010-01-31T11:52:00.000-08:002010-01-31T12:03:40.779-08:00LP anticsNow that he talks pretty well, LP says crazy stuff all the time. He seems not to recognize that usually what something is not is not as useful as what it is; for instance, sometimes out of nowhere he'll say "there's no people in there" about, say, the closet or a toy car, or "that's not an elephant". He likes to bug ELP, and I think he's her favorite person. Today ELP was practicing sitting on the bed, and he pushed her over and got a time out. Then he told her "I'm in trouble". TE told him that he didn't have to push her over to watch her fall down, he could just wait and she eventually falls over on her own. So he waited and he watched her fall over, and thought that was quite the great game. He is working on the one-to-one correspondence of counting. He knows the numbers in order to the mid teens, but when counting things he just says numbers and puts his finger down on the counted objects randomly and not in correspondence with the number he's saying. So the other day, I tried to explain that you touch each ladybug in the counting book and you say a number. <div>LP: [touches the first ladybug]</div><div>me: [whispering] say a number</div><div>LP: [whispering] number</div><div>me: no, like this [touching the ladybugs] one, two, three, four, five</div><div>LP: [touches the first ladybug] one </div><div>LP: [touches the second ladybug] two </div><div>[LP touches the third ladybug, at this point I get really excited that he's getting the picture] </div><div>LP: one [I'm thinking, well at least he's touching them, he touches the fourth one and I think maybe he'll get back in the game and say four next, or even two]</div><div>LP: YELLOW!!!</div><div>[I am now trying not to laugh, but hey, at least he's touching each of them]</div><div>LP: ALL DONE! [actually I'm not sure what he said]</div><div>me: Good job! [What else does one say about that? He's making progress, and he's cute!]</div>Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-23866133916483959882010-01-23T11:39:00.000-08:002010-01-23T11:49:08.002-08:00news in place aWell, it's been awhile since my last post, but I guess it really wasn't that long--ELP is still at the half-laughing stage, and can't really do a full belly laugh. Actually she can, but only if LP is prompting her--I am just not cool enough no matter how long I hide behind my hands or how excitedly I say "peekaboo!!!". <div>We are all settled in in Place A (or as settled as we'll be for now), and have already had our first visitors--my sister and brother in law. We had a great time showing them our new city last weekend.</div><div>Here's news for each of us: TE and I are both really enjoying our jobs. ELP can roll front to back sometimes, coo back and forth, transfer things between her hands, and is about to start eating solid food. LP likes his new daycare and knows all of his classmates' names. He is in a bit of an odd place right now, in that he's the oldest in his room but would be by far the youngest in the preschool room. Sometimes he goes to the preschool room if his room is getting a bit overfull, and he loves it, but he can't stay all the time since he's still in diapers (and not making much progress to get out of them, btw). He's somewhat behind the others in the preschool room, due to being so much younger--for example, they asked him at circle to name three things that are blue! He knows the number three, mostly, and might understand the direction to "name something", and definitely knows what blue things are, but putting that all together in his head is several levels of abstraction above where he's thinking right now, it seems. It's not a big deal, though, as he likes both rooms, so I'm happy.</div>Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-36676310699294482142009-11-03T13:47:00.001-08:002009-11-03T13:54:42.541-08:00daycare webcamUsually, you don't find out much by looking at the webcam. Often the toddlers are outside or in a different part of the room. Today, though, I found out that LP is not wearing any pants. I can only guess that an incident occurred requiring removal of the pants he was wearing this morning, and that in our general disorganized bad-parent fashion we don't have any pants left in his cubby. Luckily, there are some in ELP's room in her diaper bag; I am really not concerned about pants-wearing in general, but it is cold out!<div><br /></div><div>LP now has both bottom 2 yr molars, and ELP can almost sit up, can make cooing noises back and forth, and can almost laugh! Baby laughs are really funny; I can't wait!</div>Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-22439736660061891092009-10-10T17:58:00.000-07:002009-10-10T18:01:57.251-07:00I wonder what it's like if you don't have insuranceI just paid more than two thousand dollars of hospital and clinic bills, and those were just the bills that happened to come today ...Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-70304486648480210752009-10-06T15:14:00.000-07:002009-10-06T15:16:54.015-07:00UpdatesWe accepted our jobs in place A, ELP is learning to vocalize and smile more, LP said an 8 word sentence and counted to 11 on Saturday (though he was tired, and I think he was trying to do something impressive so we would let him stay up or something--typically he only has the focus for about 3 or less, but it proves he can theoretically do it). Now to find a place to live . . .Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8351080118668003681.post-40691152452305023262009-09-23T12:58:00.000-07:002009-09-23T15:07:09.946-07:00insufficient milk as an excuse to eat spiced applesMy pumped milk has not made up for what ELP has drank for the last few days, and I have been bummed about it, since it makes me feel less than perfectly healthy in some sense. With LP I never had this problem, though I had an oversupply problem for awhile! ELP has cut a bit into the frozen supply of LP's old milk which was left when he weaned suddenly. <div><br /></div><div>So last night I was trying to work fenugreek into my menu because they say it helps make more milk. Though, some people mentioned fenugreek tea, which makes me wonder if they are talking about the leaves (methi) instead of the seeds (which is what I used because I think that is what helps, and also because methi didn't fit with what I was making). Anyway, dinner was great last night. Since we have hardly any space, I didn't feel like getting out the rice cooker last night, and without flatbreads and needing a quick dinner that precluded most Indian food that I make. So I made spiced apples to go on top of buckwheat pancakes. They were just cut up apples that we picked last weekend with my pseudo-step-sister and her kids (which was tons of fun, btw), which I cooked in a covered pot with a bit of butter, allspice, cinnamon, and fenugreek seeds. I was kind of hoping not to notice the fenugreek much because I thought it might not go well with apples, but actually it added something nice, and I was quite happy. The pancakes were from a buckwheat pancake mix that my uncle made and gave me in 2007 that has since been in the freezer, and it went excellently with the apples. Such a great dinner for so little time!</div>Tinkering Theoristhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16585761270577910300noreply@blogger.com0